Faded Denim
by Tangledupandsideways
Summary: She found her in his eyes, a soft blue-grey the colour of faded denim. She lost herself somewhere in them, thinking of all she'd lost and all she would never receive.
GILLIAN

The girl had eyes the colour of faded denim.

She didn't see them anymore, but she would never forget how they looked, how much they reminded her of her own, how proud she was of that fact. And now, lost in the blue-grey of his eyes, she saw her. It put a hollow ache in her chest and made it horribly difficult to breathe.

"What's the matter, then?" he asked, genuine concern evident in the corners of his eyes.

The name was a bitter taste on her tongue, with all the heartache that came with it. It wasn't only her presence that it stirred up longing for, but for Alec's, Claire's, and for the happiness that now evaded her.

"Nothing, I'm okay," she managed, averting her eyes so he wouldn't see the blatant lie there, but with the way he looked at her, she was sure he saw it someplace else. How could he miss the sorrow that clearly blanketed her every feature?

 _'You_ do _manage to miss every other thing.'_

Noting the look on her face, he left it well enough alone, pressing closer to her instead. She leaned into his weight, moulding against the side of him and resting her head against his shoulder. His arms found a way around her body, enveloping her in his warmth.

Moments slipped by in comfortable silence, but she knew that she would eventually tell him all that was going through her mind. She closed her eyes against the pain that flooded like torrents of rain behind them.

"Sophie," she eventually said, her voice nearly inaudible and hoarse with emotion.

"Cal, she's everywhere. I thought that I could handle it, being reminded all the time or at least pretend I could, but-"

 _'Not with you, never with you.'_

"It's so hard sometimes. I mean, she was all that I ever wanted and I hardly even got to love her before she was taken from me," she said, blinking furiously to keep the tears that threatened at bay.

"I know, love," he said, rubbing soft circles on her back. "I know."

"I just-I've lost everything. Sophie, Alec, Claire, my freaking mind."

 _'I don't want to lose you, too._ '

"You haven't lost your mind, Gill," he reassured her. "Promise."

The tears came then, as she turned into his shoulder, her body wracked with violent sobs. He squeezed her shoulder and pressed his lips to her forehead.

In a heartbeat, she had raised her head and looked to him with watery eyes so entirely full of something he couldn't quite place. She had so much that she wanted to say to him, so much that she could never say to him, not until he was ready.

 _'Will you ever be ready?'_

She opened her mouth as if to speak, but found that she had forgotten what she had planned to say. She couldn't say what she had wanted to anyways. She rubbed her palm over his chest.

"Thank you," she said instead.

And when she dropped her head to his shoulder once again, he mumbled his reply into her hair, pressing another kiss there.

He was different with her than with other women, she knew that. But what she could never figure out was whether it was because he was just her friend and didn't have romantic feelings to couple with the sexual attraction she was entirely sure he felt for her or because he had more romantic feelings for her than the women he would be with.

 _'Do you love me? Could you?'_

"Cal?"

"Yeah, darlin'?"

"What if I never get to be happy?" She asked.

"What do you mean by that?"

"What if I never get to have a child? What if I never stop losing everything I love?"

Tears threatened at her eyes as she pictured her life panning out without love, without children of her own, without joy. Just a sad and lonely existence. Just grey skies and thunderclouds.

"You'll get what you deserve, love. You'll get to be happy," he said.

He let her see it on him, watched as she breathed it in, let it circle through her bloodstream to her beating heart.

 _'Yes. Yes, you do.'_

He wouldn't say it, not yet. But in showing it to her, in letting her see it, he calmed her every fear. Cal would make it all right for her some day. He would give her the things that she couldn't find for herself.

"I...um," she shook her head at her inability to find words.

She placed her hand on his heart, steadying herself. His heartbeat thumped beneath her palm, bringing her peace.

"Will you stay?" she asked gently, her voice as innocent as a child's. "I just don't want to be alone."

"I wouldn't leave ya," he promised.

She donned a small smile, snuggling back into the crook of his arm, her head on his chest. She wouldn't tell him what she was thinking, not this time. But she knew that one day, she would.

 _'I am entirely in love with you.'_


End file.
